Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he thought i was a dude.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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