i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
