I want to have your abortion
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
