and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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