i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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