I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
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Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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