Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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