Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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