just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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