Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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