I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
