Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
