He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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