You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
