Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
