i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
