im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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