You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
