fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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