new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I pour the whiskey from now on
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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