In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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