We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
