My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
