The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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