...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
