I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
3 2 1 whiskey
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
