When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
