he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
