don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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