a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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