I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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