I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Help. Why am I so naked?
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