Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
