i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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