last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
