Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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