the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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