she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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