I could make wine with my vomit
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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