i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
