Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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