Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
