I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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