My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
