is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
