I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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