I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
