ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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