she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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