cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
