I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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