My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
