I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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