no, he came in my armpit
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
