The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
