Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
