I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
