I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize