She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
