I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
