i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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