I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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