i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
