She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
