I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
