Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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