my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
