this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
