just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
