Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
