make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
